Hi...It's Me Again

Well, well, well. Here we are, doing this whole dance again. The "I haven't written in a long while, I come back to this page with my head down, tail between my legs, begging for mercy" dance. You know the one. But this time is different. Because while I was away, I realized something pretty crucial: I love this place. I love this little space of mine where I can voice my thoughts and put them somewhere. And I really love to write. Usually when life gets overwhelming, those things I love to do, the "un-necessaries" are the first to go out the window. But why? Why am I giving up the one creative outlet I have (because I really can't draw for shit) to make room for things that don't make me happy? Writing makes me happy so I'm going to do it. That might be incredibly elementary, but I'm sticking to it. Before, I used to get really hung up on my writing: the quality of it, what things I should and shouldn't write, whether things here were cohesive. Eventually those thoughts became major party killers: I didn't know exactly what to write so I just wouldn't. I started this blog to document my journey with mental health in the hopes that would help others. That's still something I'm extremely passionate about, but I don't want to limit myself to that. Because sometimes I want to share a recipe on here because God knows if I don't put it somewhere, I won't remember exactly how much sugar I put in there and it won't taste nearly as good next time. And sometimes, I go to really cool places and restaurants, and maybe if I get REALLY crazy I'll attempt one of those DIY projects that's been sitting on my Pinterest board for months mocking me.

I guess my point is I'm reinventing my space. Hell, it's still January. New year, new me? Is that still fair game? No? Okay. Well either way, this is going to become my favorite place again. Simply because it makes me happy.

THINGS I'M AFRAID OF

Everyone has things that make them nervous. In my case, sometimes they're pretty quirky things. Now, I'm not proud of this list. But hey! I'm human. And as you will see, I have pretty killer avoidance methods.

1.       The dentist/doctor/really anything medical. I’m not quite sure where this came from or why it still exists, but it’s bad. Like, really bad. In sixth grade, I had walking pneumonia. When I first went in to Urgent Care with my symptoms, they informed me they wanted to run some tests and they would need to draw blood. The nurse left the room to go get the necessary blood-sucking supplies. So did my mother, to call my dad with an update. Big-o mistake-o, mommy dearest. With zero supervision, I ran out of that room at the speed of light and hid. Where I hid, I don’t remember. All I know is that no one poked me with a needle that day and they were able to find the pneumonia through an X-ray. So obviously my hiding tactics were outstandingly successful.

The only doctor I don’t hate is my eye doctor. Shout out to Dr. H

2.        Flying. I feel like this one is pretty common, but it had to make the list. It doesn’t necessarily prevent me from going places but it definitely makes me think twice. How people fall asleep on planes, I will never know. With every bump, I think we're going down. The safety video they play before take-off, with the water landing procedure and oxygen mask diagrams, only feed my sick imagination.

3.       Getting stuck on the L, red line in particular. Let me set the stage, for all you non-city-folk. The L has several lines, like most public transportation systems. We have the purple line, the blue line, the red line, the brown line, and a few other selections of the rainbow. The red line, however, is Chicago’s most hated. At least it’s my most hated. The majority of your ride is underground, there’s no cell service for Spotify streaming/Instagram checking/mom texting. Whenever I am forced to take the red line, I have this fear that the train will just break down and I will be stuck there, under all that earth. I won’t be able to call anyone, eventually I’ll run out of air, people will get crazy and start to turn on each other, and…NONE OF THIS WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I know that. But I still take the above ground brown line option whenever I can, even if it takes me an extra 20 minutes.

4.       Not having pills when I need them. Alright, now before you take me as a druggie let me explain myself. I’m afraid that if I don’t have a medicine (PERFECTLY LEGAL, OVER THE COUNTER STUFF, PEOPLE) I will need it. Like if I take my bottle of Excedrin Migraine out of my purse, I’m guaranteed to get a killer headache that day. It’s not a logical thought process, I know. But I have almost the entire Walgreens store in my bag at any given time just in case. Come see me if you need Advil, Pepto-Bismol, Tums, Gas-X, Midol, ZZZquil (don’t ask), Abreva, Imodium….

5.       Food gone bad. I am SUCH a weirdo when it comes to food spoiling. Leftovers from over 3 days ago? Nope. Opened almond milk older than a week? Bye. I know it’s so wasteful and impractical, but if I eat the food-in-question, I’ll just be so anxious about getting sick from it that it’s not even worth it in the first place.

Let me tell ya, it’s a weird place inside my head. 

UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING A CITY GIRL

I can't believe this is coming out of my fingertips, but lately I have been gettin real sick of the city. Blasphemous! I know it. But just hear me out here. I don't know if it's the enormous number of people that are making the summer heat even more heated or what. But I've been craving some space and breathing room lately. Here's the pro and con list that's been on my mind (yes, I'm the Pros & Cons list kind of girl)

Pro No. 1
FOOD. You sure as hell can't get Buffalo Mac and Cheese, Bacon Donuts, burgers with buns made of fried mac and cheese (can you tell I love me some mac?) or the best pizza in the world in the 'burbs.

The Mac & Cheese Attack at Rockit Burger Bar. I don't hate it.

Con No. 1
Transportation. The "best" way to get around the city is public transportation. But this tacks on at least a half hour to every trip you make. Sure, your destination is probably three miles away. But that means it's 6 el stops. So you're gonna have to walk to the train stop (if you're lucky enough to live close to it, otherwise you'll have to hop on the bus), wait for the train, wait through every stop while sitting in a seat that smells like someone peed in it...yesterday, I think you get my point. It's a pain. And getting a case of Diet Coke at the grocery store? Forget it. You have to carry it (and your four bags of groceries) all the way home.

Pro No. 2
No need for DD's. You can walk to a bar down the street and stumble your way home. Ain't no worryin about driving.

Con No. 2
Cars. If you do decide to bypass the public transport, you're driving. Which BLOWS here. There's traffic no matter what time of day or night you brave the road. The trip to CVS that should take you 5 minutes, ends up totaling near 30. And then you have to worry about parking! My favorite kind of grocery store is the kind with a parking lot.

Pro No. 3
Coffee Shops. There is quite the "Coffee Shop Culture" in big cities, at least in this one. My caffeine  addiction is cozy-ly fed. I've realized that Starbucks does not, in fact, have the greatest latte. Nor the greatest atmosphere. I would so much rather hit up that local shop instead.

Filter Coffee in Bucktown. Couches everywhere

Con No. 3
Prices. Everything costs more. And I mean everything. From your rent every month to the drinks you get on Friday night, everything is more expensive. And the jobs don't necessarily pay more.

Pro No. 4
There's so much room for activities! No but really. There's so many fun things to do. One of our favorite bars has a bowling alley in it. And there's another one filled with the greatest old school video games. Concerts in your neighborhood are also hard to beat.

Con No. 4
I'm cramped. I don't have all that much space to "run around", so to speak. Whenever we go back to my parents' house, my favorite part is their backyard (something I largely oversaw when I lived at home). Now, I just soak it in. It would be so nice to sit outside on a large deck, not have to feel like you're sitting on top of your next door neighbor, and see grass and trees.

But then I see this and I quickly forgot all the cons.

DEAR CREEPS OF THE STREET

Dear Guy Who Just Passed Me on the Street-

All I was trying to do was get myself and my iced caramel coffee with skim back to my office. In peace. But you had other plans, didn't you? You decided to make me crawl-out-of-my-skin uncomfortable by making eye contact with me and while you did that, you let out the most guttural, disgustingly sexual grunts.

Just one question for you, why? Why would you decide to make a young woman feel as though it's not her place to walk down the sidewalk, as though she's trespassing in your space instead of walking in a public area.

Okay, I lied. Another question. What made you think you had the right to do that? I have a father, and a brother, and a boyfriend, who all love me and respect me. Isn't there some kind of bro code? Don't you, like, think about those people before you treat me like I'm an object?

All I know is you and your buddies, the guys who openly discussed my "killer rack" last week as I was standing next to them in Best Buy, can all go screw yourselves.

DEAREST BROTHER

My dear baby brother,

Today I will watch you walk across the stage and accept your high school diploma, the one that you have worked so incredibly hard for (juggling basketball and all those honors classes, how you got out of that place with a 4.1 GPA, I will never know). I will probably have tears in my eyes as you try to find mom, dad, and me in the crowd. You'll give us the famous Michael nod and smirk and walk back to your seat with your friends.



There is so much I want to say to you on this day and I'm not exactly sure how to say it or where to start. I guess with this: You are my best friend. I have a bond with you that I will never have with and other person. We are siblings; we share the same parents, the same home, the same pupperoo, the same family, and a lot of the same experiences. But we haven't shared all of the same experiences. You were so young when I was going through my anxiety stuff. You were young but you were SO smart, even then. You knew things were happening even if you didn't know exactly what. I always felt bad for taking mom and dad's attention away from you, but you never made me feel guilty for that. You had a way of making me feel better, without even knowing it.

You were in fourth grade when things were at their worst. One day when mom was at school for something, your teacher came up to her and asked how I was. Mom was confused, obviously, because she hadn't told her anything that was going on with me. When mom asked her how she knew, your teacher said, "Michael asked the class to pray for his sister Liz."



Michael, I will never forget this as long as I live. It is the ultimate testament to your character. You are such an incredibly thoughtful, gentle man. You are quiet, but meaningful with your words. You are my younger brother but so often I feel like you are wiser than me. You have something that makes everyone want to be around you.

You will do such wonderful things next year at Indiana University. You will BE wonderful. I will end up exactly where you are supposed to be, I believe that with all my heart.



After all those years of bugging you and bugging you, you finally started to like me. And after a little more bugging, you finally let me in. I am so honored you let me in. I love the connection we have now and I know it will continue to grow stronger. I am so proud to be your sister. I look up to you. You set an incredible example for me and for all those around you.



Your world is going to open so much after graduation in the best way. I cannot wait to see the man you become and I am so excited to be a part of that journey.

I love you more than I could ever say.

COFFEE DATE.

One of my favorite things to do is catch up with someone over coffee. It's something I don't get to do nearly as often as I'd like to, but I love when it happens.

If you and I were sitting down for a cup of coffee, I would tell you I am writing this FROM MY DECK. Yes, Chicago finally got its head out of its ass and decided to warm the hell up. Thank God. I thought I'd never be able to put away my boots.

Then I would warn you I'm about to throw myself a pity party, you're invited. This quarter of school has been by far my hardest yet. And I am SO ready for it to be over. Just a few more weeks, self. June 10th can't come fast enough.

I would tell you that I just got a new job! Sort of....It's still in admissions, because I could never leave that place. But I am now the Tour Guide Coordinator. That means I'm in charge of about 42 tour guides (and counting). I'm crazy nervous and crazy excited. And also honored. So now I'll be working one job instead of two, which is also awesome. And being the boss lady doesn't sound so bad. It's very Leslie Knope, which is all good with me. Good vibes all around.



I would also tell you that I am missing David like crazy. After we had a great Mother's Day weekend in St. Louis visiting his family, I flew back to Chicago by myself and he is now in Europe for almost three weeks. Not only do I miss him a whole ton, but I'm insanely jealous. Copenhagen, Berlin, Amsterdam, London. Quite the lineup. I'll just live vicariously through him when he gets back. In 10 days. Not that I'm counting. Why would I be

I would tell you that my baby brother is graduating from high school TOMORROW. It's a really bizarre feeling. I think the weirdest part for me is that I feel like I was getting my diploma, like, two months ago. So weird to think he's at that stage now.

And somewhere in all that, you would tell me all about what's going on with you. What you fill your days with, what you're worrying about right now, what you watched on TV last night.

And then we'd get a second cup of coffee.

JUST SIT AND BE

So I feel a little bit like the prodigal son. Every once in a while I'll wander away from this blog, but I always find my way back. And it always welcomes me with open arms. At least, I feel like it does...

Okay, sorry for the Christian humor. Anyways. I could come up with a thousand excuses as to why I haven't been posting regularly on here for, oh...a while. The truth is that life gets in the way. And then more life decides to hop on and pretty soon it's this really heavy thing on your back. And sometimes I just don't handle it well. I get stressed out and freak out and it's not fun for anyone involved. That's sort of hard to admit; I like to pretend that I'm this super strong bionic wonderwoman who can take on the world and say yes to everything. But that just isn't me. I have a limit, a definite boundary. And the hardest part for me is that boundary is different than other people's. I see other people taking a full course load with two jobs who are managing just fine. So why is that when I do this, eventually I start to topple over? I don't like feeling less capable than others.

The funniest part is that I get stressed when I have nothing to do. What kind of freak of nature gets anxious when they can just sit around and binge on Netflix? This girl. This past weekend, David was out of town. The stars aligned in some really freaky way and every single one of my friends was busy. I didn't have to work and I had finished most of my homework (except for the reading, because let's be honest....does ANYONE actually do the assigned reading?). And you know what I did? I had a meltdown. A full fledged, crying, meltdown. BECAUSE I HAD NOTHING TO DO. I was lonely, and bored, and sitting with myself freaked me out. I am so used to constantly going that when I am not going, I apparently meltdown. I can't be still.



I've been having some weird health-y type stuff going on for a long time now and after a ton of tests, all signs are pointing to stress and anxiety as the dirty, douchey culprit. So when my body is physically telling me to slow the hell down, maybe it's not something to ignore.

So I've had to rearrange some things in my life to better suit ME. What I can handle, but more so what I can't handle. Also I think I need to practice sitting down with a cup of coffee and a book and relaxing for a little bit. OH DARN...