RESOLU-WHAT?

The ushering in of the New Year is always a time for making promises to yourself. And if you're anything like me, they become broken promises. Usually by the beginning of February (and that's being generous). So this year I made one and only one resolution: Do more of what makes me happy. Now I know that's super broad and vague, but how easy will it be to stick to it?! And great. Easy and great, a perfect combo. The options are endless, so there is zero chance of falling short. Woo hoo!
But for fun, here's a list of resolutions I would make if I trusted myself to keep them...
1. Stop crying at commercials. With the exception of Google commercials, you can still cry at Google commercials. Only because they are so damn GOOD. But everything is off limits. Get yourself together.
2. You're almost 21. You are an adult. Adding cinnamon to your coffee and milk to your scrambled eggs does not count as culinary brilliance. Broaden your talents a little bit. Starting with that crock pot that you got for Christmas last year that you've used...once.
3. Stop making your fridge a science experiment. If something smells, don't just plug your nose and proceed with caution. CLEAN YOUR FRIDGE. Ditto to the garbage.
4. Reduce the swearing. A lot.
5. No more Lifetime movies. They kill your soul. Not to mention your brain.

HATE TO SAY IT, BUT IT'S TRUE

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 This post is one I've been trying to figure out how to tackle for a really long time. It's hard to say what I'm thinking without sounding horribly cliché. So I'm just going to go ahead and get the biggest cliché out of the way first: I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. But whenever I'm dealing with a tough situation and someone says this to me, I have a strong desire to slap them. This is why I've debated writing about this for so long. Me saying "Everything happens for a reason, just hang in there" is not going to help anyone going through anything. It's only going to piss them off. So I guess I'm just going to try to defend my seemingly generic stance.

There is not a single thing that I have gone through or dealt with in my life, good, bad or indifferent, that I wish hadn't happened. I'm not going to bullshit you and tell you that there haven't been times where I wished with every single fiber of my being that I was out of the situation I was in. I've prayed for fast forward buttons, undo buttons, miracles. But at some point, you come out on the other side of the hurt. You stop wishing you had gotten into the ONE AND ONLY university that didn't accept you, maybe you don't think about "the one that got away" every day anymore, whatever the case may be. Sometimes you don't even notice that things are better, the hurt sort of just subtly dulls.

I feel like I've been talking about Carrie Underwood a lot lately. But she's so fab, I don't even feel bad. A line in one of her songs that resonated with me is, "As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, thank God I didn't get what I thought that I deserved". Ain't that the truth. We always think we know what's best for us. We are so sure of the right significant other for us, the right job for us, the right life path in general. And when things don't go how we saw them going, we get pissed. Because we were entitled to that "right" thing. We deserved that.

Everything I thought I deserved but didn't get, in the end I am always able to realize why it didn't work out. That boy who I thought I was meant for turned out to be nowhere near the person I thought he was. And it has led me to a much different person, thank God. Being rejected by my number one school was heartbreaking, but I came to realize I wanted to go there for all the wrong reasons. And I ended up exactly where I am supposed to be, doing things I never even thought I could do. Friendships ended, but that led to even better ones, and I was able to start to learn who I am as a person. Even my anxiety comes full circle. Like I've said before, I wouldn't wish that time of my life on my worst enemy, nor do I want to redo it. But it made me a stronger person; I am who I am because of that. Even if the only thing you can say on the other side of trouble is "I am stronger for this", I think it's worth it.

I am so in love with where I am in my life right now that there is not a single thing I would have changed, because it might not have led me to where I am right this second. And that would just be a damn shame.

START A REVOLUTION

If you were to ask me what one of my least favorite activities in the history of ever is, the first thing out of my mouth would undoubtedly be "dress shopping". I have never liked it; it was never a source of excitement for me. In fact, it was always the opposite. Every year in high school, homecoming and prom season would cyclically roll around. And the dreadful day when my mom and I would trek out to the mall to find a dress, usually last minute because I would try to put it off as long as I could. With that day came stress, frustration, and by the end of the it, tears. I have never loved my body. There is not a single time I can think back to where I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror, to be totally honest. The inheritance of my mom's giant boobs arrived at the god-awfully embarrassing age of 14. This may sound appealing to a lot of girls, but trust me. They're far more hassle than their worth. I was always the girl that could never wear the "cool" tops from Abercrombie, because I would look like a chesty whore bag in them. In grade school and high school I was surrounded by all of my impossibly skinny friends. And as desperately as I hoped that would be me, it just wasn't in the cards. I never have been, and never will be, a stick. Although secretly, I'll never give up hope that someday I'll wake up and the Magical Skinny Fairy will have sprinkled me with some of her magic dust.

Now this isn't supposed to be a whiney, cry me a river kind of tale. I know that everyone wants what they can't have. But the other day, I had one of those mornings where you just can't decide what to wear because you suddenly hate how everything in your closet looks on you. Familiar with these mornings? Anyways, I got into work discouraged, angrily sat down at my computer, and opened the daily office update email from our office manager. She closes every update with an encouraging, usually painfully cheesy, quote. The one that day, however, wasn't cheesy at all. It was a Carrie Bradshaw quote from Sex and the City that was eerily fitting for my currently dreadful day: "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that YOU love, well, that's just fabulous."

Not only can I see every kind of relationship that she describes at play in my own life, but it added some unexpected perspective into my life at 9 AM on a Friday morning. I would be so pissed if someone in my life were to start talking shit about me. So what makes it okay for ME to talk shit about me? If I talked to my friends like I talk to myself, I would have no friends left. Every person I know has that one thing that they hate about themselves, even if they don't openly admit it; maybe it's something about their appearance, or that they aren't as smart as they wish they were, or maybe their family life is screwed up. The point is, EVERYONE has those things they are insecure about. There are so few people in this world that truly love and appreciate everything about themselves. And that's okay, it's normal. But I think when people start thinking they're not worthy of as much as others, that's when there's a problem. And I am totally and completely guilty of falling into this category. That's so screwed up.

So often in conversations with girlfriends, not only do I hear them talking badly about themselves, but I hear them commenting on other girls. "Wow, she got big." "Her acne is out of control." "Why does she think that outfit looks cute?" I'm guilty of the gossip, too. I'll admit it. But what are we doing? WHY IN THE HELL ARE WE SO CRITICAL OF EACH OTHER? It's like we're setting each other up for failure. Being a girl is tough enough as it is, why do we have to add all this pressure to each other? Why can't we just be supportive of each other? It's stupid. And it's borderline bullying, but that is a rant for a different time, because I could go on for days.

Bottom line: I've decided to challenge myself to stop beating myself up about my weight. I know that I'm healthy; I work out regularly, I eat relatively well. I know that it's not a medical issue. But I need to improve my relationship with my body. I have to stop focusing on what I don't love about myself, and focus on what I do. Because I genuinely do love who I am and who I'm turning into, and I'm proud of myself and my accomplishments. I'm also promising to stop judging other girls. I just feel like it's the least we can do to help each other out. I would love for y'all to join me.

HAPPINESS

Happiness. It's one of those things you take for granted until it's not there anymore. You know when you're sick and you can't, for the life of you, remember what it feels like to be healthy? But you would do anything to feel better again? I feel like that's kind of how happiness works. You don't give it a second thought about it when it's there, but when it's gone you don't quite know what to do.

This happiness spiel probably seems like it's coming out of no where. But on my way to the pool the other day, I stopped at Target to grab a book (because I feel like laying out without reading a book is just a sin). The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin looked like an easy enough read, so I nabbed it. Good thing, because I absolutely loved it. Rubin basically dedicates a year to trying to become happier. Each month, she focuses on a different aspect of her life, from organizational skills to her marriage. I've been thinking about this book ever since I finished it. Obviously, focusing as intently on her happiness as Gretchen did isn't realistic for everyone; this was a project she took on for the sake of writing a book. But it was food for thought. Gretchen starts out the book by saying that she wasn't unhappy before she started the project; she just wasn't as happy as she knew she should be.

It got me thinking. Am I as happy as I should be? Are there things in my life I take for granted? 100%. Absolutely. Everyone does. Most of the things we do in our day, sometimes even the things we dread, are things someone somewhere would kill to be able to do. Going to the grocery store is such a hassle, especially since I don't have a car in the city. But I have money on my debit card that allows me to buy the food that I need. Going to the gym is usually the last thing I want to do. Who am I kidding, it's always the last thing I want to do. But I have the ability to go; my legs work, my arms work, I can move my body. I always dread writing a paper or studying for a test, but I'm getting an education. An education that a lot of people in this country don't have the privilege of receiving.

Instead of hating myself for not appreciating the things I have, I decided to think about the things that really do make me happy. I've never stopped and taken the time to think about what really makes me happy. So I set out to make a list of 20 things that make me truly, truly happy. No matter how stupid or insignificant they are. So without further ado, and in no particular order...

LIZ'S HAPPINESS LIST

1. Waking up to a thunderstorm, knowing you have no where to go.
2. Music. Anything, any kind, as long as there's no screaming involved.
3. Walking into a Starbucks. Or anywhere I can smell coffee. It's just an instant high.
4. Conversations with my family. And cuddling with my pooch. 
5. Being in the middle of a really great TV series on Netflix.
6. Driving in the car with my best friend Rose. Even if we're just driving for the hell of it.
7. Coffee in the mornings on the pier at my cabin.
8. When my boyfriend David does nice things for me just because he wants to (like putting in my AC units like he did last night. Cue the candid pic).
   
9. Eucalyptus mint candles from Bath and Body Works. 
10. Sitting outside with my dad while he grills.
11. My jobs as a campus tour guide and as a student assistant in the office of admissions.
12. My family's Christmas traditions
13. Birthday wishes. Actually, just birthdays in general. It's a weird thing I have.
14. A really, really good cheeseburger. And beer. 
15. Baths. Hot, long, smell good baths.
16. Watching football. Especially the Packers. Go pack go, baby. 
17. Going out to breakfast. Favorite meal, by far. Probably because it involves coffee.
18. Having a book you can't wait to get back to reading.
19. Being outside right before the sun goes down.
20. Writing. And this one sort of surprises me, because I didn't realize how much I loved writing until I started this blog. It really, truly makes me happy. Who would have thought?

I thought making that list was going to be a lot harder than it actually was. While starting my own "Happiness Project" is a little bit out there, reading this book made me realize that in order to be happier, I need to focus on the things that make me happy. It seems like an oversimplified route and it's probably going to be a lot easier said than done. But we're gonna give it a go.