DEAR STRANGER

Last week, I met someone who I will probably think about at least once a day for the rest of my life. I'm kind of using the term "met" loosely. Like, really loosely. As I've mentioned before, I work in my university's Office of Admission. I have two different jobs there, but they're both in the same office. Kind of funky. This particular day, I was working the front desk. A school was taking a field trip kind of thing to DePaul; they were getting an information session and then a tour of the campus. I was sitting there swiveling in my chair (if you tell me you sit in a chair with wheels and don't spin around, you're lying), watching these 7th and 8th graders walk in our front door with an overwhelming sense of innocence and curiosity. Once they all headed into the auditorium to hear from one of our admissions counselors, my eyeballs went back to my computer to finish the email I was sending. A few seconds later, an all too familiar sniffling sound drew my attention back to the door. I saw a girl trailing behind the rest of the group, followed by a teacher. The second I saw her, I knew what was going on: she was dealing with anxiety. She walked into our lobby and was sitting on one of our chairs, scared to death. She was sobbing, begging her teacher not to make her go in the auditorium. They were trying to call her parents to have them come get her, but weren't able to get a hold of anyone. This teacher was growing more and more irritated with her and started to get angry with her. The little girl finally stood up, looked her teacher dead in the eye, and said "You can't sit here and yell at me when you have no idea what is going on inside my head right now. I can't control my anxiety. This is hard enough without you getting mad at me." Those words hit me like a fricken ton of bricks.

This teacher was going about this entire situation in all the wrong ways. I was so close to going over to that lady, telling her to beat it and let me handle things. But I do have an ounce or two of will power, so that didn't happen. Finally her dad came and picked her up, and you could tell she left feeling bummed and disappointed in herself. Her teacher quickly got on the phone with someone who sounded like they also worked at the school. I was rudely eavesdropping, and was DUMBFOUNDED with the way this woman was talking about the situation and the student that she is supposed to be protecting and caring for. I'll spare you the details, but at one point, she said, "She was acting so irrationally and out of control, I can't believe they haven't hospitalized her yet". That is an actual quote, I couldn't make that shit up if I wanted to. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to walk over there and slap that lady across her stupid face, but I was pretty sure assaulting a visitor would have gotten me fired on the spot. I went against my better judgement and let her walk out of the building unscathed. I blew her up in my mind, though. And I'm not even sorry about it.

I watched this entire thing go down from my computer, tears silently falling down my face. On my walk home I called my mom to tell her what I had just seen. I couldn't even get a sentence out before I lost it. The emotion I felt for this girl I didn't even know was so unexpected that I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. I have never seen someone suffering just like I did. I've talked to people who suffer from it, I've read blogs and books, but never have I seen a girl (roughly the same age as I was when things where at their worst) saying the same things I did, acting the same way I did. I even recognized her cry. It was one of the toughest things I've ever had to watch.

I have not stopped thinking about her since that day, and I don't think I will be able to for a while. I wish I could talk to her for a minute. I've thought about what I would say and how I would say it, and this is what I've come up with.

I love you. I know that I am a stranger and that sounds crazy. But I wish I could make this better for you and take this badness away, because it's not fun. I know that you wish you could be "normal" like the other kids in your class who are able to do things without thinking twice. Things that seem so easy for them are so hard for you, and you don't understand why. I want you to know that things are going to get better. The things you are going through right now will make you a stronger and better woman. Someday. 

I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I pray that you have parents who support you and love you and make you happy when you're sad. I pray that you have teachers who are better than the one I saw you with that day. I hope you have someone you can confide in and lean on. I hope there is someone who can offer you comfort, even if it's just for a second. I hope the kids at school are nice to you even though they might not be able to understand what you're dealing with. I hope that one day you will look back on this and say, "I am so glad that's over". But more than anything, I hope you know that this is not your fault. I hope you believe that you are not defected, you are not imperfect, you are not damaged. You are just who you need to be. And that is a wonderful, beautiful girl.

I know she will never see this letter, but I think writing it here is better than never saying it at all.  

AHHH, FALL

If my last post didn't give it away, October is my favorite month. Hands down, without a doubt. The whole month is just cozy. It's cool, but it's not cold. The leaves are the most gorgeous color, scarves become necessary, warm sweaters are acceptable, there's football to look forward to on Sundays, holding on to a cup of hot coffee warms up your hands (I hope you aren't shocked that I threw a coffee reference in there), and pumpkin everything is back. What's not to love?

Another thing that makes October my favorite is that it's breast cancer awareness month. This didn't used to mean a whole lot more to me than pink was all over the place. But after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010, it suddenly meant a whole lot more than that. She had a lumpectomy and underwent chemotherapy, but it was caught early enough. But this month always reminds me that it could have ended much differently. When she went in for her annual mammogram, her nurse thought maybe she felt something. The doctor was very confident that it wasn't anything, but the nurse was persistent that my mom have an MRI. An MRI is a pretty extensive precaution for a "maybe it's there, maybe it's not" lump. But the MRI showed that it was there. If it had been ignored, who knows how things could have been different.

Unfortunately, my story of my mom being diagnosed with breast cancer before the age of 50 with two kids under the age of 18 is not uncommon. 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their life. The American Cancer society estimates that that 232,240 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed in women by the end of 2013. Of those cases, 39,620 women will die. Crazy, isn't it? I feel like it's about time we find a cure for this damn thing. And by we, I am not including myself. God knows science and I are mortal enemies, so I will not be any help. But I'm really just hoping that we are getting closer and closer to finding a way to stop this disease. She's a real bitch. 

YOU FOUND ME

Religion is about as personal as personal gets. It's the most personal part I possess. It's something I don't really like talking about or sharing with other people, even though I know I should. My relationship with God is my own, and I like it that way. It's such a personal part of me that I would be really hurt if someone attacked me or disagreed with me. Everyone has different opinions about their God, and you would be hard pressed to find two people whose idea of God or religion match up exactly. But everyone has expectations and hopes for something greater than themselves.

I've always thought "You Found Me" by the Fray (sorry for the cheesy throwback) sums up my struggle pretty well. I've tried to pick out just a line or two to talk about, but that's far too difficult. So I'm just gonna look at some chunks.

"I found God on the corner of 1st and Armistad

Where the West was all but won

All alone, smoking his last cigarette

I said, 'Where you been?' He said 'Ask anything'"

 One thing I have realized is that you can find God in some really unexpected places. Sometimes even downright weird places. In the faces of the ones you love, in the faces of strangers, in the beauty of nature, in the mundaneness of a textbook. I think the strangest places I saw God was in a gas station bathroom. Couldn't make that up. I'm telling you, it's possible.

"Where were you when everything was falling apart?

All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang

And all I needed was a call that never came 

To the corner of 1st and Armistad" 

"Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret". Except my name's not Margaret. So I guess this Judy Bloome reference from the 70's isn't totally applicable. But the feeling she was talking about definitely is. Like I'm sure I've said a million times, I grew up in a Catholic family going to Catholic schools. I was taught how to read the Bible, had to pray the Rosary, what to say when during Mass. But what I was never taught was how to really talk to God; I was never taught how to believe. My faith was a duty for me. I would go through the motions of it all, but it never meant more to me than that. It was a chore. Whenever I had a hard time, though, my first instinct was to pray. It was strange, like something just kicked in. Most of the time, nothing would happen. At least, I felt like nothing was happening. It was like "UHM HELLO!! HI. I'M HERE. CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME?" 

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me

Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded 

Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?

Just a little late, you found me, you found me"

Where did God found me? On my bathroom floor at around 3:30 AM. After nights and nights and days and days of feeling like I really didn't see what the point was anymore, I was laying on the cold tile floor when I had a sudden overwhelming sense of peace. It was a few days into my intensive program, and I was scared to death that this wouldn't work. But it HAD to; this was our last resort. This was it. After this, it would be a white flag waving. I was lying on the ground, with the faucet on so I wouldn't wake my parents up with my crying, because I was absolutely terrified of waving that white flag. All of a sudden, the words "You will be okay" came into my head. Over and over. At first, I thought this was my optimistic thinking. But it was enough to get me off the floor and back into bed. As time went by, I realized that was not my optimism. That had to be a God thing. Now I can't prove it, but I think that's the point of faith. I believe that was him reaching out to me. Maybe it was a little bit later than I hoped, and I was undoubtedly scared and lost, but he got there. He was always there, I think. But that's where he found me. Or maybe that's just where I found him. 

HOME SWEET HOME

There's something about fall that makes me crave home. The football games, the cornfields, the pumpkin farms, the pumpkin EVERYTHING. I am a pumpkin fanatic, I eat that shit up (no pun intended). But let's get real, I don't limit my pumpkin intake to the couple months of fall. I put pumpkin pie spice in my coffee every morning. Go ahead and judge me.


After a rough week last week, I made a last minute decision to go home for the weekend and it was absolutely perfect. It was a much needed relaxing mini-vacation. I told myself I wouldn't do much work, so this is going to be a picture post. If these bore you, I'm sorry.

The horse farm you can see from my parents' deck. Almost makes me wish I rode horses. Almost.

Oh how I miss being surrounded by space 

Could my dog get any cuter? She's my pooky. And I refuse to call her anything else.

Iced coffee and a book at noon. Just because I could

Okay I lied. I revamped the blog. I guess that counts as work. 

High school football games make me feel like I'm in "Friday Night Lights". And I'm Lyla Garrity. And I'm dating Matt Saracen. Hey, a girl can dream.

My brother Michael goes to a military school, and it's tradition for JROTC to march at half time of the Homecoming game. Look at that stud leadin his men.

Added bonus to the weekend, I got to be there for Michael's last homecoming. The boy is growin up 

I CAN'T EVEN

I'd like to consider myself a fairly nice person; everyday I strive for kindness. But no matter how hard I try, there are just some things that drive me absolutely nuts. Some of them, rightfully so; others for no reason at all. While I was at the gym this afternoon, numbers one and two took place right in front of my very eyeballs. It got me thinking about other things that make my blood boil. So here is a thoughtfully compiled list of my pet peeves. If any of the following apply to you, please don't take it personally. I'm sure you're great people, despite the flaws...

1. Girls who wear skanky clothes to the gym. Girls who wear skanky clothes anywhere, really. How is that even comfortable? YOU'VE GOT A ROCKIN BOD. WE GET IT. There is zero need to broadcast an already blatant fact by wearing a sports bra and skimpy spandex while you are barely moving on the treadmill. You make other girls feel really shitty about themselves. So thanks for that. (Only exception: Halloween)

While we're on the gym topic...

2. People who watch other people workout. Why are you concerned with how many calories I'm burning on my elliptical? Keep your judgey eyes away from me and on your own damn machine! My 5.5 mph pace on my treadmill works just fine for my abnormally short legs, thank you.

3. Tourists. I feel bad admitting this one, because it's kind of mean. But I'm sure my fellow city folk can feel me on this one. I understand that you don't know where you're going, you're not on any time frame, and you're busy looking around at your cool surroundings. But I do, I am, and I'm not. When I am running late for class and desperately need to get on the L and fast, please please PLEASE don't stand around gawking at things on the platform. I feel guilty saying this bothers me, because it's kind of like the "freshman effect". We've all been there, we know how it feels to be that confused, excited person; yet when it's not us, we are the first ones to get annoyed. So I should probably work on this one.

4. Joan Rivers on E!'s Fashion Police. She's a big mean bully and her jokes are terrible. She makes me more angry than she should. I think it's because I would really like the show if she had no part in it. Giuliana Rancic is my girl.

5. Cops. I know, I know, this is un-American and wrong on several levels. But they just rub me the wrong way. Granted, there have been a few times that cops really saved the day for me. But what drives me nuts is how hypocritical they are! Going 80 mph to catch up to a guy going 65 and give him a ticket? How in the world does that make any sense. They just seem like creepy little sneaks to me. Plus all the guys I've ever known who are working towards becoming cops have very questionable morals, at best. I guess I'm a little biased.

6. When people don't like my favorite shows, movies, music, etc. Just why? I feel like I have to stand up for whatever it is that I love and sell the shit out of it. "But that ENDING!" Great example: Rose and I recently had a disagreement about "The Place Beyond the Pines" with Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper. First of all, yummy. How can you go wrong with the two best looking males known to womenkind? Secondly, the story line was absolutely phenomenal. The twists, the way the stories of the two characters intertwined, I died. One of my favorite movies of all time, by far. And Rose HATED it. More accurately, she loathed and detested it. I hate to admit it, but I genuinely got angry with her. I was so pissed that she couldn't see how fan-fricken-tastic it was. I got over it quickly, but still. The rage was undoubtedly there.

7. Bullying. Not only is this one of my biggest pet peeves, but I just cannot wrap my head around it. I don't think I ever will, either; I'm not holding my breath. There is NO excuse for it. None. There just isn't. It's cruel and life changing. It is crazy to me what parents allow their children to get away with. Now I'm not a parent, and I don't claim to know how to be one. But there are some things that are just common sense to me. On one of my last quick trips back home, I saw a bumper sticker that said "My kid beats up your honor student". And we wonder where bullying starts. Kids imitate what they see and hear from their parents. I think a lot of times kids don't realize how much damage the things they say and do have on their peers. So many kids are afraid to go to school today because they are afraid they're going to get hurt, laughed at, hear rumors about themselves, the list goes on. It hurts my heart more than anything else in this world.

8. Seeing couples on their phones at dinner. Why?! Who could you possibly be texting for an hour + that is that critically important? Is checking your Facebook or Twitter or Instagram totally necessary at this exact moment? Enjoy the time you have with your significant other! That's why you're dating them. If you can't stand to sit, look at them and have a conversation for an hour and a half, then you probably have some things to re-evalute.

Okay. I think I got it all off my chest. Who am I kidding, that's not even close to all. But it's all I've got for now.

HATE TO SAY IT, BUT IT'S TRUE

Follow my blog with Bloglovin 

 This post is one I've been trying to figure out how to tackle for a really long time. It's hard to say what I'm thinking without sounding horribly cliché. So I'm just going to go ahead and get the biggest cliché out of the way first: I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. But whenever I'm dealing with a tough situation and someone says this to me, I have a strong desire to slap them. This is why I've debated writing about this for so long. Me saying "Everything happens for a reason, just hang in there" is not going to help anyone going through anything. It's only going to piss them off. So I guess I'm just going to try to defend my seemingly generic stance.

There is not a single thing that I have gone through or dealt with in my life, good, bad or indifferent, that I wish hadn't happened. I'm not going to bullshit you and tell you that there haven't been times where I wished with every single fiber of my being that I was out of the situation I was in. I've prayed for fast forward buttons, undo buttons, miracles. But at some point, you come out on the other side of the hurt. You stop wishing you had gotten into the ONE AND ONLY university that didn't accept you, maybe you don't think about "the one that got away" every day anymore, whatever the case may be. Sometimes you don't even notice that things are better, the hurt sort of just subtly dulls.

I feel like I've been talking about Carrie Underwood a lot lately. But she's so fab, I don't even feel bad. A line in one of her songs that resonated with me is, "As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, thank God I didn't get what I thought that I deserved". Ain't that the truth. We always think we know what's best for us. We are so sure of the right significant other for us, the right job for us, the right life path in general. And when things don't go how we saw them going, we get pissed. Because we were entitled to that "right" thing. We deserved that.

Everything I thought I deserved but didn't get, in the end I am always able to realize why it didn't work out. That boy who I thought I was meant for turned out to be nowhere near the person I thought he was. And it has led me to a much different person, thank God. Being rejected by my number one school was heartbreaking, but I came to realize I wanted to go there for all the wrong reasons. And I ended up exactly where I am supposed to be, doing things I never even thought I could do. Friendships ended, but that led to even better ones, and I was able to start to learn who I am as a person. Even my anxiety comes full circle. Like I've said before, I wouldn't wish that time of my life on my worst enemy, nor do I want to redo it. But it made me a stronger person; I am who I am because of that. Even if the only thing you can say on the other side of trouble is "I am stronger for this", I think it's worth it.

I am so in love with where I am in my life right now that there is not a single thing I would have changed, because it might not have led me to where I am right this second. And that would just be a damn shame.

NEW SCHOOL YEAR RESOLUTIONS

This is what my life is going to look like for the next, oh....10 weeks. School is officially back in session, and I'm nowhere near getting in the swing of things. Usually when I finally do, it's just in time for finals. How convenient. This should be quite the interesting quarter, though; I have a full course load, two jobs, a relationship, and hopefully a social life. We'll see how this goes.

But before things start to get really crazy, I thought I'd take a second to come up with a "New School Year's Resolution" list. Honestly, I was very ready to go back to school this year. If you know me, that sentence may come as a bit of a shock. As my mom so endearingly reacted, "Who the hell are you and what have you done with my daughter?" It's funny how different things are in college when you get to do your own thing, make your own schedule, and ENJOY what you're learning.

Even when I hated going to school, I always saw the new school year as an opportunity for change and growth. The night before the first day, I would lay in bed staring nervously at the ceiling, dreading the next day. But in those few sleepless hours, I would always make big promises to myself: finally get an A in science, keep my locker organized, write down everything in my planner, do my homework as soon as I got home from school, go for a run every night before dinner. Usually these were distant memories by the end of September. But I always gave it some solid effort.

This year is no different. Scratch that, it's actually a lot different. I was sleepless the night before classes because I was excited, I had a great outfit planned out for the morning (funny how that will make it so much easier for a girl to get out of bed at 8 AM), and I walked confidently into each class on the first day. What DIDN'T change was my pesky list of resolutions. So instead of letting them drift off into the Land of Forsaken Start of School Promises, I thought I would take a few minutes before things get really hectic and write them down. I feel like I will be held more accountable this way. We'll see if this works...

Liz's New School Year's Resolutions

1. Actually READ the assigned readings for each class. Don't skim, don't skip, read. How brutal.
2. Be more patient with people in group projects. Not everyone is going to have the same work ethic you do, now get over it.
3. Figure out how to balance school, work, boyfriend, friends. It's juggling time.
4. Write everything down in your planner, even the things you think you'll remember. And reference said planner. Or face the wrath of forgetfulness.
5. Wake up each morning and think a positive thought. Even if you only half believe it.
6. Get the promotion at work.
7. Land an internship...then figure out how to add that into the juggling game. 
8. Work out 4-5 times a week. But don't beat yourself up if you don't get there. Just do what you can.
9. Try to eat relatively healthy. But again, don't be afraid of pizza. Or pasta. Or Nutella. Sometimes you just need them to keep trucking. 
10. Keep up with your blog. 
11. Don't stop reading books just for fun. You love that. Don't lose time for it. 
12. Take advantage of more concerts in the city.
13. Take more pictures. Even if you don't think they're good, snap away. It's fun to look back. 
14. Keep your apartment clean. You feel so much better when it is, and you always wonder why you don't keep it that way. Plus it's much more fun to light a candle when there isn't shit everywhere.
15. Let this be the year you stick to your list.