A PROMISE, NOT A LABEL

DAY 5: PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR A FRIEND 

I am going to try to get through writing this one without crying like an idiot. No promises. But the great thing about a promise like this is that my computer is not going to rat me out if I break it ;) Where do I even start with this one. I guess the beginning would be a decent place to start. In the third grade, I struck up a conversation with this little brown hair, brown eyed girl named Mary Rose. After exchanging third grade conversation, I soon found out that she wasn't allowed to watch the show Rugrats. I thought to myself, "I already don't like this girl. She doesn't watch Rugrats?! What a weirdo." Little did I know then, I would eventually learn to look past this obvious character flaw. Not only that, but this brown hair, brown eyed girl would become my best friend for the rest of my life. Since then, we have been attached at the hip, having more fun than it makes sense for us to be having. I'm still working on a word to describe the relationship we have, because "best friend" isn't even the half of it and "sister" just sounds stupid. I'll keep you posted on that one. I feel like people throw the title "best friend" around so easily. But to me, it's not just a label you give someone or even a couple people to let others know that they are the best. To me, it's a promise. Rose and I have gone through more than most friendships. There is not a single thing in this world I wouldn't do for her. I trust her more than I trust myself most days. When people use the word "soulmate", everyone always assumes it's romantic. But I don't think it has to be. I think there are certain people you meet in your life who you just connect with more than anyone else and you just know it isn't a typical thing. You understand each other in a way that's almost unnatural. Whatever else I say here doesn't do her justice. So Rose (because I know that you are the one and only person reading this blog)...thank you. Thank you for being my wonderful, beautifully kind hearted best friend. Thank you for helping me through things that I know I couldn't have gotten through alone. Thank you for believing in me when I don't even believe in myself. Thank you for being game for whatever the hell adventures we craft up. Thank you for being the friend that makes me the best version of myself. Thank you for being the person I know that I can count on today, tomorrow, next month, and 20 years from now. I adore you.

QUOTES ON QUOTES ON QUOTES

DAY 4: FAVORITE QUOTE AND WHY YOU LOVE IT 

Wow, do I suck. Big time. Skipping two days?! I'm actually not surprised, I knew it would happen. BUT! I'm going to try to get better. This one is actually a really tough call. I am one of those geeky people that really digs quotes (as you can probably tell by the number I've used already...) I have them written everywhere, even resorting to bright pink sticky notes on my mirror. It would be next to impossible for me to pick a single quote to share. So instead, I'm going to give you my greatest hits. The first page of my journal has my favorite three quotes; my mantras, if I'm going to get Buddha on you. And I assure you, the first page is as far in as anyone will ever see of that book if I have anything to do with it. 

"Believe in yourself & all that you are. Know that something inside you is greater than any obstacle"-Christian D. Larson

Whenever something stressful or hurtful or overwhelming or scary comes along, my gut instinct is to just go crawl in a hole, hide under a rock in said hole, and tell the world to keep on keepin' on without me. As much as I would love to do that, it's not always the best idea. I came across this quote in the middle of one of those times, and have kept it in my back pocket ever since. 

"Love. It will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free" -Mumford and Sons

Love sucks. No, let me try that again. HEARTBREAK sucks. It is the most gut wrenching, life consuming, miserable feeling known to man. It rips you from the inside out, changing your being for a fraction of time. And if it's true heartbreak, it will change your being for the rest of your life. You take the lessons with you into future relationships and future experiences, changing the way you view others and even yourself. When you're in the midst of that heartbreak or even loneliness, which can be an equally heart shattering place, it's hard to remember that when love is there and right, it fixes you. And even if it doesn't seem like that is out there, it is. 

"I wanted to be a certain kind of woman. I became that woman" -Diane von Furstenberg 

I will be the first one to tell you that I don't know a thing about fashion. I will also shamelessly admit that the only reason I know who Diane von Furstenberg is is because of The Hills (judge away). But I came across this and I just loved it. This is such a hugely shaping time in my life. I'm figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes it seems like there are so many choices to make and so many different paths to maneuver through. It gets overwhelming, and sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right ones. But when you break it down, it is as simple (and as complicated) as this: find out who you are, and be that person. I'm finally at the point in my life where I really just don't care what other people think of me. I know that my family and my best friends will be by me, love me and support me. And if I have them, who else matters? I am being more honest with myself than I have ever been, and it's a wonnnnnderful feeling. 

DAY 1: STORY OF MY LIFE (literally....)

DAY 1:  THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE IN 250 WORDS OR LESS

Here we go. Day one, baby. Am I batshit crazy for deciding to do this? Probably. So remember when I said I reserved the right to change up the rules? I’m already taking advantage of that. We’re just going to pretend that “250 words” isn’t part of the deal. You never saw it, never read it, it was never there. Deal? Great. So ever since I saw that this was Day Number 1, I debated how honest I should be. Not just with you (the very, VERY select few that read this), but with myself. Do I give the fluffy, picture perfect story that everyone likes to portray? Or do I give the down and dirty, gory details? And then I remembered why I started writing this blog. It’s for me. It’s to record everything that’s important to me. And it’s those gory details that make me exactly who I am. And I gotta tell ya, I’m loving the person I’m growing into. And as much as I wouldn’t wish the things I went through on anyone, they have made me a stronger, more loving person. So screw it, I’m giving the details.

Hi. I’m Liz and I have anxiety. WHEW. That was easier than I thought it would be. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s rewind. I was born April 1, 1993 in Aurora, IL to parents who have the kind of marriage that I can only dream to have. 3 years later I was followed by my younger brother who, after years and years of my annoying persistence, is now one of my best friends. Growing up, I was a nervous kid. I never wanted to be away from my parents for too long, I had trouble going to school, I was just anxious about everything. I saw doctors here and there, but nothing seemed to do the trick. Then when I was 14, things got a whole hell of a lot worse. I was suddenly afraid to go to school. I was so afraid that I refused to; my mom would try to drop me off and I would not get out of the car. Because of it, I spiraled into a pretty deep depression. We jumped from doctor to doctor, and the only answer they ever had was “DRUGS!” As a 14 year old little girl, I was being pumped full of all sorts of different little pills with names I couldn’t remember, let alone pronounce. They all had side effects and they all blended together. Finally after months turned into years, somehow my parents stumbled upon nothing short of a miracle: a kick ass cognitive behavioral therapy program. It was a pretty intense program, but it was a game changer. Of course, it wasn’t an instant fix; anxiety and depression are things I will struggle with for the rest of my life. But the program allowed me to regain control; I got to restart my life.

As I sit here in my cozy Chicago apartment, drinking my coffee with William Fitzsimmons coming through my iHome, I realize that this is the first time I’ve ever written this down. Of course, this is only the Sparknotes version of the story. But I could never have imagined how different my life would be now than it was then. I remember sitting up in the middle of the night, scared to death that my life would be this dark forever. I wish I could go back and hold that terrified little girl’s hand, and tell her that it gets better. Because I honestly, genuinely believed that it wouldn’t.

So that’s that! Cheery, isn’t it? Now of course, that pain is only a portion of my life so far. And I’m sure that the other, much less depressing (no pun intended…) parts of my life will come out the more I write on here. And I’m not sure why I decided this was the part you needed to know about. But if we’re gonna be friends here now, ya gotta know the deets. And as much as I absolutely HATE when people say this, the naïve part of me would like to hope that reading this could help someone else going through something similar to what I did. And I just want to say this: it really does get better. I pinky promise.