Religion is about as personal as personal gets. It's the most personal part I possess. It's something I don't really like talking about or sharing with other people, even though I know I should. My relationship with God is my own, and I like it that way. It's such a personal part of me that I would be really hurt if someone attacked me or disagreed with me. Everyone has different opinions about their God, and you would be hard pressed to find two people whose idea of God or religion match up exactly. But everyone has expectations and hopes for something greater than themselves.
I've always thought "You Found Me" by the Fray (sorry for the cheesy throwback) sums up my struggle pretty well. I've tried to pick out just a line or two to talk about, but that's far too difficult. So I'm just gonna look at some chunks.
"I found God on the corner of 1st and Armistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, 'Where you been?' He said 'Ask anything'"
One thing I have realized is that you can find God in some really unexpected places. Sometimes even downright weird places. In the faces of the ones you love, in the faces of strangers, in the beauty of nature, in the mundaneness of a textbook. I think the strangest places I saw God was in a gas station bathroom. Couldn't make that up. I'm telling you, it's possible.
"Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Armistad"
"Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret". Except my name's not Margaret. So I guess this Judy Bloome reference from the 70's isn't totally applicable. But the feeling she was talking about definitely is. Like I'm sure I've said a million times, I grew up in a Catholic family going to Catholic schools. I was taught how to read the Bible, had to pray the Rosary, what to say when during Mass. But what I was never taught was how to really talk to God; I was never taught how to believe. My faith was a duty for me. I would go through the motions of it all, but it never meant more to me than that. It was a chore. Whenever I had a hard time, though, my first instinct was to pray. It was strange, like something just kicked in. Most of the time, nothing would happen. At least, I felt like nothing was happening. It was like "UHM HELLO!! HI. I'M HERE. CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME?"
"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me"
Where did God found me? On my bathroom floor at around 3:30 AM. After nights and nights and days and days of feeling like I really didn't see what the point was anymore, I was laying on the cold tile floor when I had a sudden overwhelming sense of peace. It was a few days into my intensive program, and I was scared to death that this wouldn't work. But it HAD to; this was our last resort. This was it. After this, it would be a white flag waving. I was lying on the ground, with the faucet on so I wouldn't wake my parents up with my crying, because I was absolutely terrified of waving that white flag. All of a sudden, the words "You will be okay" came into my head. Over and over. At first, I thought this was my optimistic thinking. But it was enough to get me off the floor and back into bed. As time went by, I realized that was not my optimism. That had to be a God thing. Now I can't prove it, but I think that's the point of faith. I believe that was him reaching out to me. Maybe it was a little bit later than I hoped, and I was undoubtedly scared and lost, but he got there. He was always there, I think. But that's where he found me. Or maybe that's just where I found him.
